This weekend I have been ill. After an over-full week (due to workaholic scheduling) I was desperate for a weekend off, and instead I have spent it sleeping and aching and not eating.
At certain points I felt despair, and I couldn't imagine feeling any better. Now the clouds have cleared and I am wobbly like a new-born foal but full of the joys of this early summer morning.
My friend asked me if it was a bug, or a result of the deep emotional wound which has been asking for my attention over the past weeks and months. I replied, both. My body seems to let viruses get a hold over me when I 'need' them to - to slow me down, or to communicate something, or as an attempt at processing something that hasn't been processed elsewhere.
Who knows how these things really work? We are such complex beings, and we contain the karma of so many others who came before us. Who knows if the stories we tell are for our own benefit, so we can tie everything up neatly where there isn't neatness at all, or if they take us closer to the truth?
Our stories are always provisional, and right now I have a version which feels good enough to me, which includes my illness as helping me rest, and showing me that it is possible for very tender parts of me to say 'no' to what others ask them to do.
I don't quite feel grateful for my illness yet, but I'm on my way there. This week I will take some time out, and do weekend things. I will keep listening, and try to hear all the voices both outside and in. I will remain open to the story changing, but only in a way that includes all the voices, especially the ones inside that are only a whisper.
This is how they get louder.
Go gently <3
Things you might be curious about
* Where does your body currently hurt or feel tired or uncomfortable? What might it trying to be tell you?
* Are there any voices outside of you or inside of you that you're not listening to? What are you afraid might happen if you did pay attention to them?
* What kind of support or rest do you need? How can you bring more kindness to your hurts?
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
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